Remembering Wildflower

in memory of the one who chose to die in order to live again...and again, and again...WOMAN.

In Memory of...

Ruminations

Ravaged in Stillness
By: Pinky Tabor

My head hits the pillow that lies between my two sons napping. More than half of the day is done. I close my eyes to sleep. Finally, some peace and quiet. Or maybe not. My thoughts are making these noises again. Lately, I've been talking to myself and I found it a good sign that I am once again socializing with an adult. It just happened one day when everything was chaotic…my mood swings were getting worse. It was so colorful at first that I was in a way thankful for remaining quite normal despite the abnormalities of my days. Then these seemingly colorful moods began to change hues, becoming darker each day until everything turned black I could barely see. In a sane way, I could not interpret what was going on inside me. I could not stop my tears. I could not rationalize. So I screamed at myself. A scream only I could hear and suffer. But I know I could still love for I am so aware of the presence of my children…and I could still pray. There was faith.

The darkness disappeared. God answered my prayers. It was just a day in my life, where perhaps I or my other self whom I talk with trivialize the complex or vise versa. It's when I think of swallowing some pills for temporary relief all because I do not want to cover my head with a scarf. The scarf that symbolizes my missing self who sometimes re-appears to haunt me and remind me of the many things I gave up for what I thought was love…Or maybe that self is actually a loveless soul? After that one emotional plea with God (wails and tears that drained me) I just let the day pass with hope to be alive for the ones who need me.

So the episode was over but the battle inside goes on. The fight to find answers or some explanation for these lethal moods goes on. The search for my other half goes on…that is why I could not rest when I should. I stare at the wall. My head is not spinning like it usually does but there is something shaking inside so hard to define. I lie motionless and still, trying to feel something. Perhaps in order to doze off, I try to mentally bore into the blank wall. Then the whiteness explodes into a splash of light…

Vague images came rushing into the picture as a series of windows open. It was almost an endless, silent motion picture. Then it stops. What was it? Was it a call to get up from where I lie and write? If it was poetry, what does it mean then? Or was it also some prophetic vision? A way into answers…ahh, I see it now.

It was a way into my stolen life- the windows, of different shades and lights that was almost like pyrotechnics. Or wait, was she really stolen or did she ran away from me and is now into hiding, resenting the life that won over hers because of my choice? I cannot seep into the meaning of these visions (or they could be plain hallucinations) deeper for thoughts choke me. Thinking about all these is actually killing me. I evade truth by burying myself under realities of life. I know that the truth wanting to confront me is more important than my daily realities, but oh I fear for my sanity. I might not be able to handle her. And so I struggle, alone. Oh so alone…

This conflict is internal. So who would care? But oh does this affect those I love. Yet how can they understand when I could not? I wrestle that which I vaguely know, for the arena of my war is dim. I know there is an enemy, I can feel it/her/him…I can see only the shadows. Though I strongly sense that the enemy is my other self, I still am not quite sure. Maybe if the enemy is what the world calls as "Factors" then I have too many fights to finish or I might even be already dying in this round.

I am exhausted. I am running out of my own self. I cannot tolerate another window opening, for I still might find nothing in there. Life is futile indeed as, the wisest of all, Solomon said it. And yet how can one Holy Book disagree with itself? Jesus said "I come that you might have life and have it more abundantly." Should I give in to "dying to self", sweat in blood, and grope in darkness like Job? Or should I fight for my "priestly rights", aim for the "perfect will of God" known as The Best life?

I lie down but cannot sleep. So I write. I find no answers to any of these yet. My heart continues to ache. My head spins again. I wrestle in and with the shadows. And although I remain still, a reluctant fighter, quiet and tearful, I am ravaged by someone who is perhaps as human as me. Yes, perhaps the enemy is Myself who refuse to give up on life, for whatever that word means to both of us.


4pmSept. 8, 2009 tuesday

Sharing Shakespeare's Shakening oh Soh...

SONNET 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! It is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, althoughhis height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

ahhh, love. should hve shared this last valentine's day..but then these days are the proving days of love----ordinary days, filled with the mundane, spats and disputes..struggles and even horrors, terror....i think this Love still lives, i speak because i bleed along with the words in the sonnet.

Just sharing...you see, this is one of the first few poems my mother shared to me. She was a teacher, a stage actress during university days (just like my grandma) and raised one son who became a rock star in our small town and later toured Asia with his band...another son, now finding his niche in the Culinary Arts/Tourism, and three daughters one of which has wandered various fields and wondered if her upbringing by a family of artists and over-acting frustrated actors, actresses, musicians, writers, etc...caused her to thrive on drama and pain. Yes, i wonder. I cannot seem to change this area of my life, my personality. I feel so much- sadness, anger, and love. And at times i could not contain them, i transform into a person i abhor. And at times when everything seems normal and okay, i tend to hunger for them- perhaps only disguised in words "meaning and purpose" when every moment of my life daily brings me an inch or a milisecond closer to what i desire...oh i dunno. Am just musing and getting so melodramatic. I miss those days...and those places---those times..so large, so magnificent and exhilarating, so dreamy in image, so unfiltered yet magical...so free, so like that girl i once knew who now is so dead.

Sandstorm Effect

is this really?

wind sweeping sands
turnin like smoke
that fogs the air
coming into me
so slow...

storm heaves a sigh
that brings in flood
tears in my eyes
i don't know why...

back home, back then
it was dear rain
that brought in pain
reasons unknown
strange it was
and it still is
for it makes me dance
and then paint.

it makes me hunger
for touch, for laughter
hot drink,
warm soul
rain breaks me
then re-make me
to be whole.

now this sandstorm came
it wasn't rain
but oh the effects
were all the same
hormones? i doubt
perhaps a need
like nature's way
to breed-
hope after despair
to clean the air
to refresh the heart.
trashing
unnecessary parts.

sands of some place and time
came storming by
and settle for a while
asking me
shall i go back or shall i stay?
no i will go on to take this way-
to growth, to dreams
keep on dying, crying
then be reborn;
of peace and quiet
and for sure,
occasional sand storms.


(cried buckets today for reasons unknown...but am sure there is something to be known. I self-searched and discovered this melancholia so severe sprung from a long-time-no-tears living. lol. but so true, and so like a wildflower of me to follow unconsciously nature's way or else i will be really sick. now truth is deep inside i miss my family so much and desire that they will get to enjoy my little boys as much as i do now. i am practically the only one being blessed daily by their presence, seeing them grow, keeping amused and amazed by them. but this is God's way, so i endure the feelings. another truth is that i am tired, so stressed of stretching myself beyond my limits, meeting everybody's needs but mine, and keeping all to myself. and oh what is the use of this blog but to express the superficial? the one-sided truth about life...? so i write now the truth, the other side of it to make it fully known that life is not OK. as it is not OK to be just alive. friends ask me how i am...i say "not ok, am tired" which is same as happy, or fine, or good.
i guess that's why God made seasons...to make life perfect, and for us humans there are moments that we need though we do not want...to make us OK. i feel better now after crying. i write. i move on. i know there's more to cry about and scream about and laugh about. i am no drama queen for nothing. lol. and i know i'm OK.)

Unique and Very Special Art Work

It's not the art of photography, nor of editing photos...

not the art of capturing smiles...

not this kid's scribbles on the wall...not the art of balancing.

No, he is not dancing.

But see the writing on his wear...
"born to be an artist."

a unique blend of God's works and man's...a collaboration of God and Mom.

we make them artists just like us...masters in the art of living.

we give them love, we show them life.

we use different media to splash genuine smiles on their faces.

we laboriously choose the right words to hear music from theirs.
we mold them with our hands -

culinary arts for their bodies

art of touch for their souls...

more than the basic senses we use.

it's also heart, soul,

a genuine smile.

we leet them see that we love life.

and so we see our masterpiece.

in the life of our children.

their bodies, soul and spirit growing,

blooming, unfearing, unbroken.

for others to behold

and for our honor.

for our joy.

this good life is the kind of art that satisfies.



(have been missing some creative adventures...painting, writing really good stuffs, baking, music, etc. and watching my boys realize they are the ultimate result of my creativity, and to them i express my love, they also reflect my love for life and even my hate sometimes. they are the most fragile and complicated and yet the best form of art...a mother's work. and i pray for sometimes we do not know what life brings...i pray that my best work and effort will not go futile nor will the cruel part of humanity affect or infect them. God help me. For now, they grow and i grow. And we go on loving.)

Missing Chelz

Chelzedeck was my best friend, actually one of my many "best friends". There's a best friend whom i call big-sister best friend, one is a group of "soul sisters" best friend, another a group of college friends turned mommy-buddies best friends, and so on....but Chelz was my only male-slash-sister-best friend who believed that he is a woman trapped inside a (handsome) man's body.

Recently he wrote me something that stirred up those memories with him and words we have exchanged, shared, and experienced together. This was actually a comment on my friendster blog:

I can relate to this poem/prose…i don’t know how am i going to give my reply,or am i required…anyway, i will let just myself be,
i can relate to the rummaging of the past,
memories of friends, girlfriends and ex’s…
somehow the things you’ve thought were useless,
and has been trashed, finds beautiful meaning…
you find yourself becoming a history teacher,
perhaps and archaelogist, digging remains of a lost culture…telling them to students/readers,
that it is important to relieve one’s past,
for one’s past affects the future,
that without it, we would never be here…
somehow it is important, that is why we need historians, artist and painters ,
to re-express the things we so long have trashed,

and i’m glad that “You” still write, and recyle,like archaelogist , putting muffled pieces of yesterday, telling them as if the just happened an hour ago…


that was Chelz, talking...voice transformed into image. i can imagine him so animated, creative and seemingly unwanted by the elite, snobbish, pseudo-intellectuals.

Valentines with Kids

He was holding Leaf, trying to entertain our hyper-active one year old while i was trying my best to keep Sami who was so amused by the lights from running towards the stage.
It was a Valentine's party for couples, entitled "A Night of Love and Romance," a dinner concert. We were entertained with love songs and some "quotes" on love. We were the only couple with small kids in tow but for me we were the most romantic couple...


I took this photo while the song "How Did You Know" (our song which also played during our wedding) was being sung and after he mouthed "I love you" to me.

I think it's the presence of children in a marriage that helps spark up romance and not otherwise. One just need to have the eyes of love to see that.

Wedding vow, Wishes, Wonders...

I wrote this vow for an aunt who will be saying her "i do", take two :) come August (inshallah).

"the road i have treked to reach this place haven't been easy
but meeting you along the way sparked a way for me to find a better meaning
and purpose in life.

you have been a friend providing wise guidance whenever i need it,
offering a strong shoulder to lean on,
giving company during both good times and bad.

life cannot be lived alone
love cannot to be kept nor withheld,
and though we are already in the autumn of our lives,
it is still best to walk with a hand to hold
as leaves fall and until our winter sets in...

so as i embrace the future with you today
i pledge to stay by your side,
i commit to share my life with you,
be the woman God has molded to love you
the way He designed,
grow with you in mind and spirit,
and create with you a trail of lasting love
that will be a blessing to our children
and to those who look up on us.

this i promise with faith in the One and only Author and Giver of love
-true, perfect, and everlasting."

I wished i have written a vow as beautiful as this for my own wedding. It's a shame that as a Wedding Planner i was never able to plan my own wedding as well as i did my clients'. Even my mother who has been a caterer for almost 20 years now could never seem to serve her own family's table nicely.

This is a strange thing...

policemen having children becoming criminals,
caterers who cannot promptly provide food to their hungry husbands/children,
wedding planner-bride having own wedding a disaster,
musicians who cannot teach own kids the basic so-fa syllables,
and ghost writers forever remaining ghosts
too dead to their own eulogy.

Like a Christmas Dream

A blurry little Christmas photo...seemingly filtered like in a dream, only this one's real. Happy, alive and free. Good food, good conversations, music, singing, laughters, and friends. It will be cherished for a lifetime though it lasted for a moment. It was a gift. It was a dream.